I’ve been doing a lot of work with my inner critic lately. I’m getting to know her really well. Here are some of the things she often says to me:
“It’s all up to you. Only you know how to do this.”“You can’t rely on anyone else. That’s too risky. They’ll mess it up and you’ll get hurt.”“Hold it together! Don’t let them see you fail. Don’t let them see how much you DON’T have it together.”“You better show up with perfection or they’ll abandon you.”“No one will love you unless you prove to them how smart/capable you are.”
Ouch. I wouldn’t let anyone else speak to me that way! Just myself. A classic overachiever (any Enneagram 3’s out there?). She doesn’t say these things that loudly, actually. It’s subtle, almost a whisper. Actually, more of a “look” she gives me (that’s how it feels). But the patterns are there, programmed into me. And I’m realizing that these patterns, the ones that have served me so well and have gotten me to where I am today (thank you for that) are now keeping me from what I need most.
Here’s how those patterns have shown up for me: I was a straight A student, I like to win (and I hate to lose even more), I love feeling smart (or really - I love when people tell me I’m smart). I am a quiet introvert but I also love being the center of attention. I’m a dancer and I LOVE being on stage. Even now, after I’ve done a lot of work to understand how that way of being is out of line with my values and is no longer helpful, it still seeps in. By default, I’m constantly comparing myself to others. It’s exhausting. And it’s deeply engrained in me. I’m a business owner, after all. It was important for me to have the title of CEO in my business (which I’m questioning now). I still like to win, and I’m embarrassed to admit how this comes out when I play board games. It’s not pretty. I’m working on this!This thing about winning, about being above other people - it’s really lonely. I’ve learned to not be needy, to not admit that I have needs, to not ask for things. To ask for something is vulnerable. The person could say no. It opens me up to being hurt. That’s messy. My perfectionism doesn’t like messy. I might be lonely, but at least there’s certainty. It’s simple, predictable.Also, it’s so me-focused (narcissistic perhaps?) I guess that’s the point of an inner critic - to protect me first. I noticed this really prominently in a recent client workshop that Sarah and I facilitated. Sarah is really good at facilitating big groups - that’s her superpower. I’m better one on one - that’s my superpower (and why I love coaching). This was a big group. Sarah led a lot of it and she did a fantastic job. The client was happy, the group was happy. It was magic, actually. But this stupid voice was there! Wondering if I had enough speaking time, if the group was impressed enough by me, if I “showed my value” enough. What is “value” anyways? That’s a whole other blog post. Me, me me. This is when it became so clear to me - that this inner critic voice is directly out of line with my values. It doesn’t care about the good of the group, it only cares about me. And that’s out of line with what our whole business is about - the collective goodness. It’s actually exactly what I see as a problem in the corporate world and even in the business for good world - a lot of folks who are me focused, even if what they value is the collective, or stakeholder capitalism (an economy for the good of all, not the good of the few or the wealthy). These patterns of “me first” are deeply engrained in us, and they are directly working against what we all want, what we all need most.And what do we need most? Especially right now, when the world is so heavy and scary? Connection. Connection is the antidote to what’s happening in the world right now. And my inner critic is keeping me from getting it. Is yours? I suspect a lot of people’s inner critics are keeping them from getting it. Especially in the business world. The business world rewards overachievers - that’s why it’s so hard to quiet that voice. The world rewards it. It’s very easy to keep listening to that voice. No one would ask any questions. My parents would be proud. I’d probably make more money, have more followers, and have more badges and certifications and achievements to brag about on LinkedIn.
But the loneliness would persist. The world would continue to be more divided.I don’t have a solution yet. And I guess that’s my first step - telling you I don’t know what’s next. I can feel my inner critic telling me to end on an inspiring note! Include a call to action! Impress people! But I’m going to try the opposite and tell you I don’t know, other than what I need is more vulnerability, less me and more us, and more connection.Sending love, Rebecca
